Bieber Fever is apparently sweeping our nation, more infectious than genital warts and twice as hard to get rid of. So, I ask the question that anyone who has actually managed to grow pubic hair has been asking: just who the fuck is Justin Bieber?
I shall sum it up for you in five simple words: Canadian Manchild YouTube Teen Megastar.
The Bieber, at the tender age of 16, has swept the world with his cutesy, girly-sounding, R&B/pop fusion ballads, such as "One Time" and "Baby". As yet, his voice, (and I imagine, his balls), has yet to drop to any significant level and he pipes away like a choirboy being rammed up the browner on a Sunday.
There is something deeply, deeply disturbing about hearing what sounds like a nine year old girl crooning 'baby, baby, baby, ohh, thought you'd always be mine'. For one, what obsessive, sad little boy thinks his baby crush is going to be his lifelong love - being as most teen girls can barely commit to a £10 top-up card - but secondly, what on earth does it say about the modern girl that she fancies someone who sounds like her little sister running a sex line?
When I was a teen girl, and it wasn't that long ago, the type of guys we fancied were undeniably guys. Those were the days of Oasis, Blur, Bryan Adams, and Kurt Cobain. I somehow can't imagine Bieber writing a suicide note to his imaginary friend and then blowing his brains out because he no longer felt he enjoyed writing music. Yeah, well, I guess you have to have actually created some real music to miss writing it.
Part of me wonders if this is just old age creeping upon me, that I no longer 'get it'. A teacher friend of mine said that she gave up teaching children when she realised how boring they were now she had no cultural references left in common. Maybe the same thing is happening to me. Or maybe he really is shit.
I'm not sure who I'm more angry at - the people who allowed Bieber to get into the mainstream instead of sending him to school, or the insipid kids who listen to his crap. What happened to teenage angst? Teenagers used to be defined by the edgiest of music of the generation; Rock 'n' Roll, Punk, Grunge, Metal. They used to thrive in upsetting the 'Man' and 'Establishment' by listening to music that would make their parents' ears bleed. Now, those parents who aren't attending the Bieber concerts are probably stabbing themselves in the eardrums with 'Korn' CDs to drown out the incessant Bieber Squeaking.
Teens of the 'Teens, shame on you! As for Bieber Fever, I am sure there is a cream for that...
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